Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize