I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
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