My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
