If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
