just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
