On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
now i know why i became what i already was.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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