we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
She bit a glass in half.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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