She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
