I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
