I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
