You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
