I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Ketchup is God's man juice
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
