I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
