One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
