At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
i've created a new STD.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
