I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
