I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
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