Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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