We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
