I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize