Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
