I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
he high fived his dick after we had sex
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
