i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
