Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize