I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
