I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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