The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
