i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
