The maid of honor just puked.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
