8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
