why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
