just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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