I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
