we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
