I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
