i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
And then my night got REAL pukey
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
