you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
