Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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