If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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