do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
