she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
