All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
