Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
