There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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