:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
