Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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