Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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