i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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