She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
