I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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