Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
barbara walters just said penis...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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