fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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