First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
