do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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