I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
