yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
