i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
