I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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