Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
