we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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