Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
