I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
