Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize